


When You're Real

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Velveteen Rabbit - Margery Williams
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Gen, Happy Ending, Talking Animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:36:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 11,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3066416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ex-electronic toy Tony comes to life as a rabbit with daddy issues. He encounters other ex-toy animals, and they form a team. Their goal- finding Steve the skin horse's friend, Bucky the Christmas reindeer.</p><p>(originally a one-shot, but reader encouragement helped my muse.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"So," Tony said as he shook the dirt off his snowy white paws, "this is a thing?" He looked around at the edge of the landfill and was not impressed. 

"Yes, of course it is," a strong voice came from beyond a patch of greenery, which Tony supposed must be like houseplants, only with no one to trim them. "This is what happens when you become real."

Tony lolloped out of the rubbish and sniffed. He hadn't had a sense of smell before, so he had never sniffed a houseplant, but this green stuff smelled good. He took a bite in his mouth, which actually opened up instead of just being a space before his voicebox, to give it good resonance. The green stuff tasted good, which was weird. Howard had made Tony bite things, mostly wires, and they never tasted like anything before.Tony scratched at the ground, and his claws weren't nice hard plastic, but something... organic. Huh. He spread his toes and stared at them. There was a loud noise, like someone trying not to laugh, and Tony looked up, giving his best, red-eyed glare at the large, ridiculously large, (honestly it wouldn't fit in the largest toybox ever) animal. He squinted and ran through his memory, analyzing and cross-referencing until he could decide what it was. "You're an ass."

"I'm a horse!" the big, glossy tan creature said. It tossed its head and lots of golden blond hair flew around, some of it getting into his big, cerulean (Tony knew colors and all the words, and he had to admit those eyes were a perfect match for Hex triplet #003FFF) eyes. "My name is Steve."

"Steve?" Tony lost interest in the tasty not-house plants and reared back to sit up on his hind legs. He wanted to thump the ground, he was so angry. "Were you Dad's skin horse?"

"Dad? I was Howard's skin horse." The horse got a far away look in his eyes. "We used to have such adventures."

"No. No, you didn't." Tony jumped over to Steve and kicked at his hooves, which unfortunately didn't seem to bother Steve at all. "Howard was MY BOY. Dad told him about you, and he didn't like me because I wasn't REAL!" Tony kicked harder, working himself up into a frenzy while trying at least to leave scratches on the glossy hooves.

Steve made a loud, blowing noise. "Look, I don't know what your problem is, rabbit."

"You're my problem! Dad told all these stories about you, about how you were so much better than me, because he had to use his imagination to hear you talk, and see you run!" Tony got out of breath and lay flat on the ground, panting. "I'm a GENIUS! Top of the line, experimental, electronic toy! And Dad kicked me into the closet, and Howard wouldn't play with me. He only took me out when he needed help with his schoolwork." Tony sniffled. "He never loved me. He didn't even LIKE ME."

Steve huffed again. "Suck it up, bunny. He must have loved you, or you wouldn't have become real."

Tony sniffled again. "Someone may have loved me, but it wasn't Howard. He took me with him to boarding school and used to lend me out to the other students. He didn't need me any more, so when he left school, I stayed behind. You have no idea what it was like! I'd sneak out at night and plug myself into an outlet in the library for power and get on the internet and... all those people were playing with imaginary animals, but none of them wanted me." There was one boy, though... Rhodey. He used to pet Tony's fur when he asked questions. Tony had liked Rhodey, but Rhodey had been too honest to steal him. Maybe Rhodey had loved Tony.

"Maybe if you weren't such a crybaby."

Thinking of Rhodey and how he MIGHT have had a boy who loved him made Tony so mad he bit the horse above his hoof, where he was all hair and skin.

"Hey!" the horse yelled and shook his leg. 

Tony flew through the air, suddenly remembering that he was now squishy and breakable and he was going to be all broken, and back on the rubbish heap forever. Calculations for survival did not look good. Only he landed on something soft, and looked up, and up. He was held between the paws of.... what the heck was it? Not a dog...way bigger. It was covered in shaggy cinnamon colored fur and had big brown eyes, and a tuft of rumpled fluffy fur on the top of its head between its ears.

"Um," the creature said, "I'm Bruce Ruxpin."

"You're a Ruxpin?" Tony grinned up at the bear, yes, it was a bear. "I'm a big fan of the way you talked to kids. And got away with it! Awesome." 

Bruce smiled shyly at Tony. "Yeah, well, now I'm a bear, and... everyone's scared of me." He gently put Tony down on the ground. "I'll just be going now."

"NO, no! Don't!" Tony thought fast. "Look, I'm a freakin' albino angora rabbit. How long do you think I'm gonna stay alive and real? I'll be a nibble for the first stray dog that comes by. C'mon, hang around. Look, let me climb on your back. Who's gonna be scared of a bear with a bunny on his back?"

Bruce wrinkled his brow. "I don't know." He glanced over at Steve. "Maybe you should stay with the horse."

"Right. He's like ninety years old. We're talking glue factory."

Steve huffed and rolled his eyes. "For a little fuzzball, you talk a big story."

Bruce growled and lay down so Tony could climb up on his back. "Be nice to each other. We're all we've got now, you know?"

"Not me," Steve said firmly. "I'm waiting for my friend, Bucky. He was so good, someone had to love him. He'll be here. I know it."

"How long have you been waiting at this landfill, Steve?" Tony said, glancing around at the close-chewed grass and Steve's general thinness.

"I... I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm staying till I find Bucky. He was a Christmas present! His nose lit up!"

Tony had a bad feeling about that. In his experience, novelty Christmas presents were liable to be experimented on by cruel children. But he looked into Steve's cerulean eyes, and kept his opinion to himself. "He was a reindeer?"

"Won't be here," a voice came from above. Dangling from a tree limb, a tiny black spider spoke clearly. "Santa redeems them. He'll have wound up at the North Pole."

"Well, then," Steve said, lifting his head in a noble way. "Thanks. I'll go there." He started prancing off, tail high.

Tony admired him for a moment. "Hey, Steve. North is the other way." He wrinkled his nose smugly. "Internal compass. I've got it all."

The spider descended gracefully. She had a row of tiny, bright green eyes that blinked as she spun on her web until she landed on Steve's head and began webbing herself to his ear. "We'll all go," she said firmly. "I'm looking for my friend, Hawkeye, but my legs are too short to move fast enough to keep up with the birdbrain."

"He's a hawk?" Tony looked nervously around. "They eat rabbits, don't they?"

"I won't let anyone eat you," Bruce said. 

"Thanks, big guy." Tony cuddled deeper into Bruce's fur.

The spider rolled several of her eyes. "Hawkeye is a pigeon. My name's Natasha, by the way." She tweaked Steve's ear. "Horses shouldn't be alone. How about we pick up a nice filly for you?"

Steve snorted. "I may be ninety years old, Natasha, but I know how to get my own dates." He started off prancing in the direction of North this time. 

Tony shrugged. "Follow that ass," he told Bruce.

"I told you, I'm a horse!" Steve shouted.

"Eh, whatever." Tony grinned as Bruce sped up into a rolling gallop. "WHEE!" Tony yelled as he clung to Bruce's fur. He decided he liked adventures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howard's father was also named Howard, which accounts for some confusion. Tony never heard him called anything but Dad, Father, or Sir.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony grumbled, but of the four of them, he was the best suited to spread out bits of donut whenever they saw pigeons. "How are we going to know when we've found the right one?" he asked Natasha eventually, after a week of traveling North. So far, Tony had seen more stupid birds than he cared for, and had to do some fast footwork to keep his fur clean.

"I'll know. And stop eating the bait, Tony."

Tony fluffed up protectively. Natasha had a nasty bite when she was annoyed. "Hey, it stuck to my teeth."

Natasha clacked her mandibles at him. Steve and Bruce both sighed. Bruce said, "We're not a hug." 

"What?" Tony asked. "What's that?"

"You know. A group of teddy bears."

"Well, of course not. We're not bears, duh," Tony said.

"I get what you mean, Bruce," Steve said earnestly. Tony found Steve's earnestness really annoying. "We should be a team."

"With matching t-shirts?" Tony mocked. 

"Tony." Steve looked down his long nose at Tony. Tony made a rude gesture with his ears.

Another flock of pigeons whooshed in to gobble up the donut. In the middle of the gray and brown and mottled birds, a purple bird with a gray chin strutted, boldly stealing donuts from the stodgier birds.

"Hawkeye!" Natasha leaped from Steve's ear, landing in front of the purple bird. "Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Oh, hey, Tasha." The pigeon cocked his head and looked at her sideways. "Been down on the farm, you know? Keeping track of the livestock." He casually swung his neck, knocking an inquisitive pigeon away from the spider.

"Following the horses," Tony said with a sneer.

Hawkeye aimed a beady red eye at Tony and then twisted his neck to look at Steve and Bruce. "What's up with the mammals? We're rare collectibles," the bird said to Natasha. "Not common plushies."

"We're all in this together," Steve told him. "It doesn't matter where we came from, or how much we cost." The last was said with a glance in Tony's direction. "We're a team."

Hawkeye ate another donut crumb. "Yeah, well, if Natasha vouches for you, I'm in. You need aerial reconnoissance, I'm your bird."

"Great," Steve said, taking over as usual. Tony tidied his whiskers and pretended not to care. It wasn't as if he wanted to be in charge of this group of losers. Except for Bruce. Bruce was cool.

"We're going to the North Pole to find my friend Bucky. He's a reindeer, and will be with Santa."

Hawkeye blinked. "Riiight. Ok, fine. Reindeer. Got it." The purple bird took off and was quickly a speck of shining purple against the blue sky.

"Follow him!" Steve trotted over and put his nose to the ground to let Natasha climb back onto his ear.

"You know," Tony said to Bruce as the bear rambled on after Steve, "We're not common plushies. We're genuises. Have a berry?" Tony offered a pawful of fruit he'd found growing on a bush, which was weird, he thought they came in aluminum packets.

"Yeah, Tony. I know." Bruce munched the berries. "Not that it matters. My best friend was a rag doll. Betty was beautiful, and she came from a thrift shop." The bear sounded wistful.

"Aw, well, maybe we'll find her, too."

"The General gave her away a long time ago. Said she wasn't any good at fighting." Bruce's Boy had made all his toys fight. Even as a bear, Bruce still had scars. "She's in a better place now, I'm sure of it."

"Yeah, I'm sure." Tony cuddled against Bruce and felt a little ashamed of himself for complaining about neglect. Poor Bruce had it much harder, and still was as sweet and cuddly a bear as ever was. Better than Pooh. Pooh was stupid. Tony rubbed his cheek against Bruce's neck. "You're a good bear, Bruce."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Hawkeye.  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metallic_pigeon
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metallic_pigeon#mediaviewer/File:Metallic_Pigeon_RWD7.jpg


	3. Chapter 3

Tony had listened to Bruce explain about hugs while they traveled. For days and days and days. It was boring, but it made Bruce happy. If Tony had been the sentimental type, he would have thought hugs sounded rather nice, but he wasn't sentimental, not at all. "I dunno," he said meditatively, while chewing around a tough leaf. "Being all squashed together in a toy box with someone's butt in my face..." His ears flipped up in surprise. "Huh, actually, I wouldn't mind trying that."

Steve snorted. "Rabbits."

"What's that supposed to mean, Leatherlegs?" Tony snapped back at him.

"Sex," Steve said. "S. E. X. That's all you rabbits think about. It's all about you. You never think about anyone else."

Tony fluffed up angrily. Who was it who'd dug up patches of grass under the ice and snow, while pretending he was just having a good scratch, so Steve could get something to eat? Under his fluff, Tony was hungry all the time, but he knew it was harder for Steve, so he had let them think the few bites Steve left were plenty for him. And this was the thanks he got? "Bruce," he said, pointing a paw at Steve, "kill."

Bruce huffed a chuckle, and kept walking steadily. "Sure, Tony," he said. He was thinner, too, but he'd had more padding to start with, and the increasing cold didn't bother him. Clint had plenty of feathers for insulation, and Natasha buried herself in them and slept most of the time, so really Steve was the one with the most problems, and Tony knew he was worried about his friend, Bucky.

But he didn't have to take it out on Tony. Tony was trying, damn it. They may not be a hug, but they were the closest things to friends Tony ever had, and he was going to keep them together and safe somehow. It was hard to think of a place where they could all live together, but he was the world's smartest rabbit, and he'd figure it out.

Clint came circling in to land on Steve's head. "Guys, we have to make a detour. I saw smoke."

"Campfire?" Tony said, hopefully. He had gnawed through tents and borrowed food before. He said 'borrowed', Steve said 'stolen'. Semantics. Once Tony had access to the Internet he could get money from Dad's slush fund to repay the campers. Since Dad wasn't supposed to have it, he could hardly complain if some of the illicit funds actually went for an honest purpose.

"Nope." Clint preened his feathers for a moment. "Looks like a big fire. They're dumping water and digging firebreaks. Even saw some guys parachuting in."

"Smokejumpers," Tony said, remembering a long essay Rhodey had him research. Rhodey had always wanted to help people, and he loved danger. He'd also looked up the air force, police force, and hell fighting. It made Tony's fur shiver, just thinking of it.

"Yes. Brave, but stupid." Natasha said, climbing out of Clint's feathers to speak. "One of them's trapped."

"Trapped?" Steve asked, suddenly alert. 

"He's caught under a tree limb and there's fire nearly surrounding him," Clint said. He cocked his head and looked at Steve. "Captain? What are you thinking."

"I'm thinking we need a plan," Steve said. "If we can save the man, we have an obligation to try, but we need to be sensible about this."

Tony sniffed. "I have a plan. Bruce! Let's go!" He dug his claws into Bruce's fur and flattened himself to the bear's back.

Bruce reared up on his hind legs, and then took off running. "WHICH WAY?"

"Follow the birdbrain!" Tony yelled. "CLINT!"

"I'm flying, I'm flying!" Clint took off, flying low and dodging between trees when the woods were thick.

"THAT'S NOT A PLAN!" Steve shouted, but he was running with them, quickly passing Bruce. Bears were fast, but nothing to Steve.

"WHOO OOOO!" Tony yelled. He did so love speed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get back into writing mode. It's hard. Please be supportive, my muse is particularly fragile at the moment-- in other words, if you can't say something nice, please don't comment at all.
> 
> And yes, I am trying to continue this story. There should be several more chapters. I hope, I hope, my muse holds out.


	4. Chapter 4

The smoke was getting thick. Clint was fighting updrafts from the heat, but he kept gamely flying. "This...*cough*... is it," he said a few minutes later, landing on a branch of a fallen tree and peering over the side. "Yep, here he is. Hey, man, are you dead? If you're dead and I've burnt my feathers for nothing, I'm gonna be seriously peeved."

"He's not dead," Natasha said. "See, his thorax is moving."

Tony could hear them, but he could barely see them, even the gleam of Steve's golden tail was muted in the gloom. 

"Bruce!" Steve called, "come and move this branch."

Bruce had been slowing, but he hurried, out of breath and mincing because he'd stepped on more than a few live coals. "Yes, yes." He went over to the fallen tree and squinted at it. 

The man yelled and waved his arms at Bruce, who stepped back. "I'm scaring him." Bruce sounded hurt.

Tony hopped down and went over to the man. "Look, buddy, Bruce isn't a monster." He poked at the man with his paw. "Show a little gratitude." The man just stared at Tony, wide-eyed. Tony sighed. "Great. He doesn't understand us."

"Tony?" The man reached out his hand.

Tony froze. The voice was deeper, but familiar. "Rhodey? Is it you?"

"Oh, God, I'm having a dying hallucination," Rhodey said, it had to be Rhodey, his eyes were the same. Rhodey's head dropped back to lie in the forest litter. "Smoke inhalation. Anoxia. There are no white fuzzy rabbits in this forest. Bears, yes, there are bears. I'm dreaming I'm going to be eaten by a bear."

"You're not dreaming," Steve said. He blew loudly and stamped his front hoof. "Sir, we need your cooperation in order to help you."

"And a horse. Is a white knight gonna show up next?" 

"I really don't think he understands us, guys," Clint said.

"We don't have time to convince him," Steve said. "Bruce, get that branch off of him."

Bruce grumbled. "Fine, but you know, distract him."

"What am I supposed to do?" Tony asked. "Song and dance?"

"Sure, go with that." Bruce tugged at the branch. It rolled slightly and Rhodey yelled.

"STOP! STOP!" Tony shouted. "It's going the wrong way." He looked around. "Leverage! Push that other tree further under the branch. Steve, come and step on the end of it here."

Gingerly, Steve placed one hoof on the tilted end of a narrow tree sticking up from under the fallen branch. 

"On the count of three, Steve, you put both feet on the tree and slowly put your weight on it. When the branch lifts a little, Bruce you pull Rhodey out."

"I'm going to scare him," Bruce pointed out. 

"You're the only one who can do it," Tony said. "Better scared than burnt."

Bruce huffed and walked over behind Rhodey. Tony hopped close to Rhodey and sniffed his face. "We're gonna get you out of here, buddy. One, two..."

Rhodey put his hands in Tony's fur. "Hell of a dream," he muttered. And then he yelled again when Tony said "Three!" and Steve stood on the tree, the branch creaked and lifted, and Bruce grabbed Rhodey under both arms and yanked him out. The branch crashed back down. Rhodey gasped, and moved, and then fell back. "My leg. It's broken."

Steve came over to Rhodey and extended one front leg, and curled the other under his body, kneeling.

"Very pretty," Tony said, grudgingly. He was a little jealous that he couldn't carry Rhodey.

Steve snorted. 

"Can we get out of here?" Natasha said. "The fire is getting closer."

"Uh huh." Bruce picked Rhodey up and deposited him on Steve's back and then lowered his head so Tony could climb on. 

"Which way do we go, Clint?" Steve asked.

"That way." Clint pointed with one wing and then he rose into the air, flapping awkwardly for a moment. "Hang on, 'Tash!" 

The rest of the journey was a blur of smoke and orange fire, with flashes of Steve's golden hide, as far as Tony was concerned. He hung onto Bruce's fur, frantically knocking bits of flaming leaves away as they ran.

When the air finally cleared, Tony tumbled off of Bruce and lay flat on his side, just breathing. Bruce grunted and flopped down next to him. There were loud voices, human voices. Tony had a feeling that meant trouble, but he was just too tired. So tired.


	5. Chapter 5

It was warm. That was the first thing Tony noticed. He cuddled closer to Bruce- but where was Bruce's fur? He opened his eyes and then jumped straight up in startlement. He was indoors! On a bed! 

"Hey, hey there bunny, calm down. It's cool." Rhodey was talking. 

Rhodey was petting Tony's back. His hand felt so nice, so affectionate. Rhodey never pulled his fur or threw him down on the floor once he had answered all the questions. Rhodey liked to hold him, and talk to him about his dreams. Tony's heart slowed its frantic race, and he calmed enough to look around. This didn't look like a room in a house, there was no... no... STUFF. Even in the school dormitories people had stuff. This was very white, very clean, and bare. Was it a hospital? 

Tony had seen photographs and read about hospitals. If it was a hospital, it wasn't a very modern one. There were no curtains around the bed, and the few pieces of furniture were simple, but wooden. And there was a window looking out on the woods. He was fairly sure hospitals weren't usually in the woods. He sat up and sniffed, trying to figure out what was going on. Where was Bruce? Where was the rest of the not-hug? But especially, BRUCE! Bruce was a bear and people were scared of bears! What did they do to Bruce? 

Tony growled, which was something he didn't know rabbits could do. He sounded very fierce! "BRUCE! BRUCE!" he yelled. He hopped to the floor and ran over to the door, which was closed. He knew how doors worked, he just couldn't do it! He scratched at the door.

"What? You need to go out? Hang on, bunny." Rhodey got out of bed awkwardly, reaching for a pair of crutches. He had a bright white cast on his left leg. "Don't make a fuss. They only let me keep you in the infirmary because I was afraid this was all a dream. You're real, right?"

Tony turned back to Rhodey and nodded.

"What?" Rhodey stumbled. "Do that again, rabbit."

Tony rolled his eyes, and nodded again. 

"Huh." Rhodey sat back heavily on the bed. "Am I crazy?"

Tony shook his head so hard his ears flopped. Then they perked up. There was a tapping at the window. Tony raised his right paw and pointed. Rhodey turned to look. Clint was pecking at the glass.

"Friend of yours?" Rhodey asked, weakly.

Tony nodded again and added a little growl. Clint could be annoying, but he was loyal.

"Yeah. Ok. A purple pigeon. Sure, this isn't a dream." Rhodey made his way over to the window and opened it. "Maybe they just gave me too much pain killer."

Clint fluttered in and perched on a chair. "Are you a prisoner,Tony?" He gave Rhodey a suspicious glare as he closed the window.

Natasha waved a leg-arm from the top of his head. "You should have thought of that before you let him trap us."

Tony huffed. "It's Rhodey. He's the kid who made me real."

"Huh," Clint said. "He grew up, though." He sharpened his beak on the chair. "I could take out his eye."

"He's still RHODEY." Tony took up a defensive stance in front of Rhodey. "No one hurts Rhodey."

"Are you guys actually talking to each other?" Rhodey asked.

Tony and Clint nodded, while Natasha waved again.

Rhodey looked thoughtful. "My grandma told me stories about her toy poodle. She said he'd been a real toy once. I just thought, you know, old ladies."

"Natasha, quick, spin a web!" Tony said.

"Why? I don't see any insects in here," Natasha replied.

"Charlotte's Web! You know, the story about the spider who writes in her web?" Tony hopped a bit in excitement. "You can explain everything to Rhodey."

Natasha's head rose out of Clint's feathers so she could blink all eight eyes at him. "First, I'm not that kind of spider. Second, do you know how long it takes me to spin a web? Third, I don't know how to write."

"Oh. Well..." Tony scratched at his ear with his right hind leg. "Crap. And that was such a good plan."

"I know sign language," Clint said. He held up one foot and moved his claws. They all moved together. "Crap."

Tony wanted to smack his head on the ground. Or maybe eat some fermented apples. He'd got a nice buzz from that.


	6. Chapter 6

Rhodey picked Tony up and sat on the bed, with Tony on his lap. "So, you're really Tony?"

Tony nodded and leaned against Rhodey, not quite asking for petting, but if Rhodey felt like it Tony wouldn't hurt his feelings by refusing.

Rhodey petted him, scrunching the back of his neck in just the right way. "And I'm guessing your friends were toys, too?" Tony nodded again, and Clint cooed, before he tucked his head down low and pretended he hadn't done it. Clint thought he was a tough guy.

"What about the horse and the bear? Are they like you?"

Tony nodded so vigorously his ears flopped back and forth. He was starting to give himself a headache. Clint looked like he wanted to coo again. His neck feathers ruffled and settled down instead.

"I guess you want to know about them. There's stables here for the rangers' horses. They brought him in until they could find his owner. The bear passed out from heat and exertion, but he wasn't badly hurt, so he's been relocated outside of the burn zone." Rhodey scratched his head. "I'd ask what you want to do, but this is too slow." He put Tony down on the bed and got up. "I have an idea. Wait here." He got his crutches and made his way out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"Tash, follow him!" Clint said.

"No, wait. Someone might step on her," Tony warned.

"I am prepared to take the risk," Natasha said. "We must know if we are being betrayed."

"Let me listen first." Tony hopped down from the bed and went to the door. He put an ear to the door and closed his eyes. "Rhodey is talking to someone. He's asking... where they put the board games?" Tony opened his eyes and frowned.

"Board games?" Natasha would have frowned, if spider faces could frown.

"Your Rhodey isn't taking this very seriously," Clint said.

"Rhodey is always serious. Really, I tried to lighten him up, but would he even look at Cheezburger dot com? He would not."

"Cheezburger?" Natasha asked.

"It's food," Clint said. "I think?"

"No one speaks English except Bruce," Tony complained. "Oh, wait, Rhodey's coming back." Tony moved away from the door.

"No, no, I'm fine, thanks, Harry," Rhodey said as the door opened. He was accompanied by a man in a smoke stained jumpsuit. "Just bored. I'm gonna see if I can figure out a new game. You go and rest. It's been a day and a half."

The other man nodded. "Right. You take care, James." He turned and went down the corridor without looking into the room.

Rhodey came into the room, moving slowly and with two cardboard boxes held under one arm. He shut the door and went over to the bed. "I didn't know which would work better." He opened the boxes and began arranging their contents on the floor. "Scrabble, or Ouija."

"Excellent!" Tony hopped over to the Scrabble board and began selecting letters. "It's a good thing one of us is educated."

Clint ruffled his feathers and flew down to the Ouija board. He began pushing the planchette with his beak. 

Tony looked over. "T... O...N...Y...I...S...A... Hey, that's rude!" Tony Scrabbled, "MAP BEAR COORD" and then looked at Rhodey.

"Huh. You still have GPS?" Rhodey asked.

Tony flared his whiskers smugly.

"I NO WHRE I AM 2," Clint ouijaed. 

"Yes, yes, the famous homing pigeon genes," Tony said even though he knew Clint wasn't a homer.

Rhodey opened a laptop and pulled up a map of the forest, expanding it and putting an overlay with standard coordinates. "He was relocated somewhere in this area."

"AIR RECON," Clint ouijaed. "I GUD EYES FIND BIG ASS BEAR"

"Great," Tony said, "So that's Bruce settled." He spelled, "LET HORSE GO."

Rhodey frowned. "I'm not exactly up to sneaking around. Everyone's watching out for me. You saw."

Tony thought a moment. 

Clint said, "You know, Steve played a lot of war games. I bet he knows tactics for exfiltrating."

"I think you just made up that word," Tony protested.

Natasha climbed on top of Clint's head and clashed her mandibles. "The more time we waste, the more likely we are to get caught. Stop measuring reproductive organs. A female would only bite them off, anyway."

Tony edged away from Clint and his passenger. "I didn't really need to know that."

"You're not my type." Natasha polished her weapons, fangs and claws.

Tony said, "You know, maybe Steve has some good ideas. Clint, can you find the stables and talk to him?"

"Sure thing. I could use a bite, anyway." Clint ouijaed, "OPN WINDO".

"What's he... or she... up to?" Rhodey asked.

Tony lifted his lip in a rabbit grin and spelled, "CLINT TALK TO OUR LEADER".

"Right, the horse is your leader. Of course he is, what was I thinking." Rhodey opened the window and Clint flew out with Natasha waving gaily from his back.


	7. Chapter 7

"So," Rhodey said. "You're a real rabbit, now." He shut the window, which Tony appreciated because it was cold outside and he wanted to absorb as much warmth as possible before they left. The North Pole was gonna be a bitch.

Tony wrinkled his nose. Sometimes Rhodey could be so... Rhodey. He spelled, "YES."

Rhodey sat on the bed and watched Tony push Scrabble tiles around. "You could stay with me. If you want."

Tony stopped. For a long moment he didn't even breathe. Rhodey. To be with someone who loved him. Who wanted him just for him, not because he was useful. But... he had responsibilities. What would Bruce do without him? And Clint needed guidance. And Steve... well, Steve needed a kick in the ass sometimes. Natasha, hell, she'd probably survive nuclear winter, but the rest of them...They might not particularly like him, but they needed him. "WISH I COULD."

Rhodey's eyes softened. "Hey. I get it. But Tony, you know, you'll always have a home with me. If things get bad, you call me." Rhodey told Tony his cell number. "Got that memorized?"

Tony sniffed and lifted his nose in disdain. Hadn't he memorized pi to umpteen decimal places? A phone number was nothing to his genius.

Rhodey grinned. "Yeah. C'mere, Tones."

Tony hopped onto the bed and let Rhodey cuddle him. "I missed you, little buddy," Rhodey said softly. They sat there in silence until Clint returned to tap on the window again. Once Rhodey opened the window Clint flew straight to the Ouija board.

"STEVE PLAN."

"Great," Tony said. "I can spell faster than you can with that thing. Tell me and I'll explain to Rhodey."

Clint dropped the planchette. "Thanks. Gave my neck a crick. Look, Steve says that his boy Magic Marker'ed his butt with 'S.S.R.' "

"That's fascinating, but how does that help?" Tony didn't like thinking about Steve's butt. No, he really didn't. He was a rabbit, but he was not a sex fiend.

Clint puffed up his neck feathers. "It's a brand now, hidden under his winter coat. It stands for Superior Stallion Reserve, a government initiative to improve the stock of wild horses."

"You're pulling my leg with this, aren't you?"

Natasha jumped out of Clint's feathers and landed on Tony's nose. He went cross-eyed trying to look at her. "Governments do stranger things, Tony. I know."

"What, did you belong to a spy-baby?"

Natasha clicked her mandibles. "Something like that." And then she leaped back onto Clint.

Tony didn't really believe her, but Rhodey was getting restless, watching them and not knowing what they were saying. "Ok, so Steve's boy thought it was cool to pretend Steve was super-special. Yes? And?"

"And the horses are supposed to be allowed to roam freely on government lands, like this national forest. So your boy tells them the law says they have to let Steve go."

"Huh, that might actually work," Tony grudgingly admitted. He started Scrabbling, condensing the information for Rhodey.


	8. Chapter 8

Rhodey shook the bag of carrots he'd liberated from the kitchen and raised his voice to be heard over the banging going on in the stable. "That horse saved my life, I thought I at least owed him a carrot or two." From his position tucked under Rhodey's right arm, Tony didn't have a good view of Rhodey's face, but he knew the 'so earnest' expression which meant he was bullshitting.

Fortunately, the ranger working in the stable wasn't so discerning. "Be careful. He's a full stallion, and he's been trying to get at my mare, Peggy. We had to move her into the outside corral, and he's been kicking hell out of his stall ever since."

Well, that explained the noise, Tony thought. He smirked to himself. Yeah, rabbits are all about sex, but not Captain Cool, the Wonder Horse. Hah.

Rhodey picked out the longest carrot from the bag. "Arm's length?" 

The ranger laughed. "He's not vicious, just badly trained. You should be fine, but I'll go with you, just in case."

Tony filed away 'badly trained' along with the rest of his ammunition against Steve. He did love to rile Steve up and watch his pretty eyes go all wide and angry.

Steve saw them coming, and reared up, snorting and doing his best to breathe fire. Tony asked, "Is this part of your wild horse plan?"

Steve bared his teeth. "And what if it isn't?" He kicked at the stall door. "I can do this all day!"

"Rhodey can't stand on his broken leg all day. Have a heart, Steve."

"Well, for your boy, all right." Steve settled back onto all four hooves and put his ears forward, pretending to be appeased by the carrot Rhodey was offering him. He took it and crunched it up while talking, "He'd better be convincing or I _will_ kick my way out of here."

"Stick to the plan, Steve." Tony snaffled a piece of carrot for himself. "Be cool, and let Rhodey play horse whisperer."

Steve rolled his eyes, but went along with it, sticking his head over the stall door to let Rhodey rub his nose. "See," Rhodey said, "he likes me. Can we let him out? I want to make sure he's all right."

"If I can get a stud halter on him, ok." The ranger brought over a sturdy halter, which had a chain running over the nose. Tony thought it looked uncomfortable- he knew how sensitive Steve's nose was- but he guessed that was the point. 

Steve huffed, and rolled his eyes again, but he let the ranger put the halter on. He ate another carrot and kept his ears forward. "I'm cooperating, all right?" The skin of his shoulder twitched.

Tony said, "Don't kick!"

Steve blew out loudly, managing to get horse snot on Tony. "Very mature." Tony sneezed back, but he was seriously outgunned.

The ranger opened the stall door and led Steve out. Steve pretended to be only interested in the carrots until he was almost out of the stall, then he stopped and rubbed his flank against the edge of the stall, releasing a cloud of fluffy winter hair.

Rhodey was quick to catch his cue. "Hey! Look at that brand!"

The ranger looked and Rhodey told a great whopper about being a horse crazy kid, which is how he recognized the brand. There was a lot of fuss after that, but Tony wasn't paying attention, because Rhodey had dropped the bag of carrots, and he was busy trying to get his share before Steve could finish off the lot.


	9. Chapter 9

Rhodey took Tony back to his room while arrangements were being made to trailer Steve to the unburned part of the forest. "So," Rhodey said as he dropped back onto his bed with a sigh of relief, "you never did tell me what your team is planning to do. I get that you want to be free, but maybe I could help?" He petted Tony and frowned as his hand went over the sharpness of Tony's backbone. "You don't gotta do this all on your own."

Tony didn't see any harm in telling Rhodey. Santa had always come to Rhodey's dorm, even if none of the packages had North Pole addresses, so he was on good terms with the big guy. Tony hopped down to the floor and went to the Scrabble board. "GO NORTH POLE."

"What? What are you... that's crazy, Tones! Do you have any idea how far that is?"

Tony nodded. "STEVE FRIEND THERE."

"How do you even know that?"

"SANTA SAVE REINDEER TOYS."

"Santa." Rhodey ran his hand over his head, and then put both hands over his face. "Tony. You can't just walk into the arctic. If you don't freeze, you'll starve." He looked up at Tony and shook his head.

"WILL FIND WAY." Tony didn't know how, just yet, but he'd find a way. Steve needed his friend.

"Wait. Just wait. Let me think a minute. This is impossible. Tony, people with well equipped expeditions died trying to walk there. Sure, some crazy people do the North Pole Marathon, but they _fly_ most of the way and just run ten times around a looped track."

"WE COULD FLY." Tony hadn't considered it, because, well, how was he to make reservations?

"You could fly." Rhodey closed his eyes tightly for a moment. "How? Do you have hidden rocket boots, or something?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "BETTER. I HAVE MONEY."

"One of us is crazy, and I'm hoping it's you."

"STEVES BOY ILLEGAL SLUSH FUND." Tony thought that pretty much explained things. He gave Rhodey a rabbit grin and rearranged letters. "MORE CARROTS."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (note: I looked up letter tile distribution in the English version of Scrabble and tried not to spell anything impossible in one sentence.)


	10. Chapter 10

Tony's paws were tired of pushing tiles by the time he explained everything. Howard's father had borrowed Tony once when his computer was down with a virus and he needed the internet to get some hot money off his hands before he got burnt. He thought he'd erased all his history, but Tony had been transferring the information into hidden storage all along. Howard's slush fund was routed through the Darknet, home to terrorists, criminals, hackers, whistleblowers, dissidents, and fraudsters. Among other things, you could buy and sell illegal arms, and stash the proceeds.

Tony had been thrilled to discover a new source of information, hidden from normal search engines. At the time, he hadn't cared about the money. He didn't think Dad really cared about it, either. He put more money into the slush fund than he ever took out, and for years now there hadn't been any activity in the account at all.

"Tony," Rhodey said when Tony paused to lick his sore paws after combining the Ouija board for numbers with letter tiles to spell out the address and the pass codes to get at the money. "Howard Stark, Sr. died a few years ago."

Oh, well, that explained why he didn't do anything with the money. Tony nodded.

Rhodey drew a deep breath. "I don't know... the money should go to Howard, but it's illegal, and evidence of his father's crimes."

"BETTER NOT TO TELL HIM." Tony had never been Howard's confidante, but even shoved in a closet, he'd heard Howard cry far too many times because he couldn't live up to his father's expectations. He didn't think Howard would want to know the man he broke his heart for had been a criminal. 

"Yeah. I guess. We'll take what we need, and turn the rest over to charity, all right?"

"RABBIT RESCUE." Tony suggested. "FOR CARROTS".

Rhodey laughed. He opened up his laptop. "So, all right, let's see who does the flights for the North Pole Marathon, and if they have a bird that can handle all of us."

"US." Tony was annoyed that neither the Scrabble tiles nor the Ouija board had a question mark. He tapped at the tiles and brought his ears straight up.

"I'm on medical leave anyway." Rhodey shrugged. "What am I gonna do? Sit around in my apartment and vegetate? Nah. Besides, you'll need me to interpret and make sure you don't get cheated. Ok, see, it's like $15k each for people to do the marathon tour. That's not counting us getting to Norway to start and since we'll be chartering the plane alone, we'll be covering the whole cost. I dunno..." Rhodey put in the URL and pass codes Tony had given him. After a long moment, he whistled. "Yeah, ok, we're covered. We can buy a hell of a lot of carrots."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (short chapter, got tired after a lot of google marathoning - the marathon, the history of the Ouija board, the Darknet, and a Rabbit Rescue, which was loaded with adorable photos of bunnies.)
> 
> [ Save a Bunny](http://www.saveabunny.org/rabbits/allavailable)


	11. Chapter 11

"Ok," Rhodey said, ending his phone call to U-Haul. He and Tony had gone to Rhodey's apartment while they made arrangements. "I've got a twenty six foot foot truck reserved, and the supplies for the trip to the airport are being sent there to be loaded." He paused to slip a length of wire into his cast to scratch for a moment.

Tony thumped a foot impatiently. They really needed to get going. Clint had been flying back and forth for the last two days carrying messages between Tony and Steve and Bruce. Clint warned that Steve was getting restless, but Bruce was perfectly happy to stay in one place. Maybe too happy, Tony worried he might be getting ready to hibernate.

"Yeah, yeah, I got the list. Western Timothy hay, prime oats, gourmet dry dog food and dried fruit. And carrots all around."

Tony thumped again.

"Yes, Tony, I made sure to have them include blueberries for Bruce. I have GOT this handled. I got the paperwork to let your team fly, got the pilot, got a guy to clean out the truck and return it to U-Haul, got the supplies for the flight stored at the airport, ordered a full set of arctic gear for myself." Rhodey rubbed Tony's neck. "I got your back, Tones."

It wasn't that Tony distrusted Rhodey, it was just he'd been so long just getting through each day constantly on the move, snatching food when he could, sleep when he must, that he was unaccustomed to having time to worry. What if they got to the North Pole and couldn't find Santa? What if they found Santa and Bucky wasn't there? What if an arctic fox ate Tony? What if Bruce fell in love with a polar bear? What if a polar bear ate them _all_?

Rhodey scratched just the right spot on Tony's shoulders and he went boneless. Maybe he'd worry about it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapterlet, wanted to avoid losing momentum entirely while I work on other stuff.


	12. Chapter 12

The pilot was a lean and lanky fellow with a headful of black cowlicks. He was wearing a faded military jumpsuit with thread-picked spaces where insignia and patches might once have been. His bootlaces were untied. And he smirked. Tony felt better about his professionalism when he insisted on doing a thorough pre-flight inspection of their rented long-distance cargo plane before he'd let them board. Steve and Bruce had already unloaded from the U-Haul and were waiting in the hangar. Steve was pacing. Bruce was munching on a basket full of mixed dried fruit. The pilot had stared at them, and seemed particularly fascinated by Clint who was sharing Bruce's fruit, but after a few moments, he'd shaken his head and gone to work. 

"Ok, we're good to go." He looked hard at Rhodey. "Pay up front. I don't take personal checks or PayPal. Cash, or I can take major credit cards." 

"I can do a direct deposit to your bank account." Rhodey had discussed the money with Tony. He didn't want anything that could trace it back to him, so the safest seemed to be just using the Darknet account directly.

"Huh." The pilot's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "How do I know the funds are really there?"

Rhodey glanced at Tony. Tony gave him a rabbit shrug and then nodded. Tony had hacked into numerous pilots' records to find someone capable as well as flexible in his adherence to rules. This Sheppard guy was the best he'd found. They could probably trust him, so long as they played fair with him.

"They're there." Rhodey opened his laptop and went to the Darknet tab. "As you can see, I can easily afford it."

Sheppard's eyes widened. "Jesus wept. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a smokejumper."

"Doesn't that pay like $15 an hour?"

Rhodey pointed at Tony. "The rabbit's rich," he said, deadpan.

"Fine, don't tell me. More international intrigue. Everyone wants the Arctic Circle oil."

"That's it, you've got it. The bear's working for the Russians."

"If this some kind of weird movie, I want a credit byline."


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey," Rhodey said once they reached cruising altitude, and he'd finished checking that Steve and Bruce were comfortable in the temporary padded stalls clipped to the bulkheads, "I'm gonna see if I can ride up front."

Tony wriggled his nose and then nodded. Rhodey had bought several bags of replacement Scrabble tiles, and used the blanks to write the numbers and a few useful punctuation marks so Tony could spell out, "TRUST?"

"It's a long flight. It gets boring. It's safer if there's a second pilot."

Tony's ears went up. "YOU FLY?"

"Nothing this big, but yeah. I have a private pilot's license and sometimes I rent a Cessna to log a little flight time." Rhodey rubbed Tony's shoulders. "I can make sure we're on the right compass heading for Norway, anyway."

So, Rhodey wasn't quite as trusting as he seemed. That made Tony relax. He nodded again. "HAVE FUN." 

The plane was noisier than Tony had expected, so he couldn't make out what Rhodey and Sheppard talked about, but they sounded calm, which was probably a very good thing. He sat on Steve's back for a while in order to look out of the single small window, but all he could see were clouds, fluffy clouds in shades of white. It reminded him of the time he'd got a rip in his chest, and his fluff started to come out. Rhodey couldn't sew, but one of the older boys wanted to become a doctor and he'd been happy to practice on Tony. Yinsen was a good kid, but it wasn't a happy memory, seeing his insides on his outsides. He still had a lumpy circle of fur to remind him.

He hopped back down and went over to Bruce. "Bruce? Bruce?" Tony nudged the bear who was curled up in thick straw bedding.

"What?" Bruce replied, grumpily.

"We're on our way. Soon we'll be at the North Pole. Aren't you excited?" Tony bounced a little. There wasn't room for a good run, and he was antsy.

"Uh huh." Bruce pulled straw over his head. "Wake me when we get there." Then he started snoring.

Tony sighed. He looked at Clint who was picking through Steve's oat bucket. "Wanna play Scrabble?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Hibernating black bear, snoring.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RPd-dBJqxw)


	14. Chapter 14

Norway was cold. Tony set foot on the tarmac and it felt like ice even through the heavy fur on the bottoms of his feet. He wondered if the North Pole was even colder. Steve stepped down the ramp gingerly, and shook himself, shivering. Clint was buried in Steve's mane, and Tony couldn't see Natasha at all.

Rhodey and Sheppard had bonded during the flight, and they were going around the airplane, inspecting it and talking with the ground crew who were refueling it speedily, probably because they wanted the shabby rental off their nice clean airport as soon as possible.

"Bruce," Tony called. "Come on out and see Norway! It's great, you'll love it." Tony was only lying a little. The airport at Svalbard wasn't the biggest thing, with only one strip of tarmac, but it looked well run and modern, and he was reasonably sure the hangar would be heated. They could wait in comfort until their contact with the North Pole Marathon company showed up.

Bruce didn't answer. Tony hopped back up the ramp. "Bruce. We really need to go. We have to change planes. You know, to get to the North Pole?"

Bruce snored. Tony poked him in the ribs. Bruce snored. Tony jumped up and down on top of him. Bruce stopped snoring. "Bruce?" Bruce resumed snoring.

Rhodey poked his head back in the plane. "Why aren't... oh, hell. Hibernation, right." Rhodey got in and walked carefully all around Bruce, leaning on his crutches. "He's not all that big," he said doubtfully. "Maybe two-fifty. Get some help to carry him?"

Tony got the Scrabble. "DO NOT PUT BRUCE IN CAGE!"

"C'mon, we can't just sit on the tarmac until spring!"

"What's up..." Sheppard looked in. "Is that rabbit playing Scrabble?" He came over and stood next to Bruce to stare down at Tony.

Tony looked at Rhodey. Rhodey shrugged. "He's a very smart bunny?"

"GENIUS," Tony spelled.

"Huh," Sheppard said. "This can't be a PTSD flashback. It's the wrong flavor of weird." His eyes narrowed. "You drugged me."

"What?" Rhodey said, befuddled. "Why?"

"You're spies. The rabbit is some sort of advanced electronic gadget." Sheppard backed away from Tony.

"NOT ANY MORE," Tony spelled.

"Not helping!" Rhodey said. Just then Sheppard whirled to get away, but he tripped and landed on Bruce.

Bruce woke up suddenly in a rage and roared, lunging at Sheppard. "BRUCE, NO!" Tony yelled, and jumped into Bruce's face, repeatedly kicking him with both hind paws. "GO TO SLEEP! GO TO SLEEP! GO TO..." Bruce shook Tony off and ran out of the airplane, down the ramp, past the astonished grounds crew. 

And into the terminal.

"SHIT!" Rhodey hobbled down the ramp as fast as he could, with Tony racing ahead of him in full gallop, ears streaming behind. "Now, look what you've done, Sheppard! Bruce! Bruce!"

Steve swerved and half knelt for Rhodey to climb on. Clint flew out of Steve's mane and followed Tony.

"BRUCE! BRUCE!" Tony shouted. Steve was faster than him, but kept having to slow down to negotiate corners and corridors and crowds. People scattered, but worryingly some of them seemed to heading somewhere with purpose. Tony had read that people weren't allowed to leave the settlement without a rifle, because of the danger of polar bears. These were people used to giant killer bears. Bruce was a fluffy little nothing in comparison.

And then he heard Bruce scream. Tony's heart clenched, and he stretched his legs even further. "BRUCE! DON'T DIE, BRUCE!" He skidded around a corner and slid to a stop. There was a POLAR BEAR. He yelped before he realized it was stuffed, and mounted on the baggage carousel. Bruce was standing there, staring at it and moaning. "It's a monster. I'm a monster."

"No, you're not. You're my friend. Come on."

"You heard the people. They're afraid of me!"

"Well, you were running around like a crazy bear, what do you expect?"

There was a clatter of hooves, and Steve came around the corner. "Bruce, we have to get out of here!" Steve said, "They're getting guns!"

"Where can I go?" Bruce asked.

Clint flew in and smacked Bruce with his wings. "Get back to the plane, it's our only chance."

Rhodey was clinging to Steve's mane, and gritting his teeth. "Damn it, I hate not knowing what you're saying. Bruce! Get back to the plane!"

"That's what I said." Clint smacked Bruce again. Bruce ducked his head to let Tony climb on and started walking. In a few steps he was once more running. Tony kept an eye out for polar bear hunters as they retraced their steps. The tarmac was deserted, except for Sheppard, who stood near the open cargo door.

"GET IN!" He didn't wait, but immediately went to the cockpit and began warming up the engines. Everyone piled into the plane. Bruce and Rhodey pulled the cargo door shut. 

"WE'RE GOOD, LET'S GO!" Rhodey shouted.

Once they were in the air, and level flight, Rhodey made his way to the cockpit. "Thanks for not leaving us."

"Yeah, well... leave no bear behind. That's my motto. Where are we going?"

"North Pole. Somewhere. I don't... we were going to use the North Pole Marathon's site, but..."

"Not my plane, I don't mind if it gets scuffed in a landing on ice." Sheppard tilted his head. "So, if you're not spies, what are you? I need an explanation."

"It's a long story. Did you ever have a stuffed toy you really loved?"

Sheppard glanced at Rhodey. "On second thought, maybe I don't need to hear this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there really is a stuffed polar bear inside the airport, on the baggage claim carousel.


	15. Chapter 15

"Ok, this looks like the biggest hunk of pack ice in the general vicinity of the magnetic North Pole. Will this do?" Sheppard asked Rhodey.

"I expect so." Rhodey lowered his voice, but Tony had sneaked up behind the cockpit to eavesdrop. "Look, everything I told you about the toys coming to life is true, but I don't know if we're on a wild Santa chase. We're just going by what Natasha said."

"The spider has an honest face," Sheppard said. Tony didn't have to see him to know he was smirking. 

"Yeah, well, even if she's right, the North Pole is a pretty vague address. We might need to fly out of here. Can you stick around? I'll pay extra."

"Stick around? I'm coming with you. I want to have a word with the fat man. He owes me a model Millennium Falcon."

"You don't have to," Rhodey said, but Tony could hear the gratitude in his voice.

"Yeah, I really do. You haven't even got anything to protect you from polar bears, do you?"

"And you do? I don't see any rifles."

"I don't carry a gun on a pressurized aircraft, no, I'm not crazy. But I do have a custom-built taser, just in case my customers get the wrong idea about paying me."

"A taser. You're gonna stop a polar bear with a taser?"

"Won't know until l try. Ok, we're going in now." He raised his voice. "Brace yourselves back there. Coming in for a landing, it might get bumpy!"


	16. Chapter 16

"Suit up," Steve said. Rhodey had bought a specially warm blanket for him, and snowshoes, which he and Sheppard were trying to figure out. He also had a lightweight saddle, which made him put his ears back, but Rhodey wasn't going to be able to walk on ice, so he'd reluctantly given in to the necessity.

"Some of us," Natasha said smugly. She had made a web nest lined with tufts of Tony's fur, topped with another web nest and then fastened it into Clint's feathers where he was warmest. Tony had contributed the fur less than graciously. As a plush his fur had been pulled out enough times for him to develop a little bitty tiny phobia about it. It didn't help that she sneaked up behind him and grabbed it from the back of his neck.

Tony wrinkled his nose at her. "Yes, right, some of us suit up." Tony had ridiculous socks with cut outs at the inside of the 'ankle' joint to allow him flexibility. But he wasn't complaining. He was not an arctic hare, his fur was more fluff than tough.

"Clint," Steve said, "Since you'll be flying unprotected, I want you to come back at frequent intervals to warm up, either in my mane, or in Bruce's coat." He stomped a hoof to check the snowshoe Sheppard had just put on his right front hoof.

Clint nodded.

Bruce yawned. "We better get going soon, or I'm going to fall asleep." He hadn't needed any winter gear, but Tony had the brilliant idea to give him coffee. Bruce had rolled in a pound of grounds and enjoyed it very much, but it hadn't actually woke him up.

Tony spelled out, "BRUCE SLEEPY. HURRY."

"Yeah, yeah," Rhodey said. He had difficulty fitting his arctic trousers over his cast, but he was managing. Sheppard was already dressed, but his clothes didn't fit much better since they were spares Rhodey had bought for himself. Rhodey stopped in the middle of tugging on an oversized boot to look at Tony. "We may not have time to talk once we get going, so I'm just gonna say this now. Nobody goes off on their own."

"EXCEPT CLINT & NATASHA." Tony spelled.

Rhodey sighed. "Yeah, ok, aerial reconnoissance aside, we stick together. And if it looks hopeless, we leave."

Steve snorted and laid his ears back even flatter than before. "Tony, tell him I'm not leaving without Bucky."

Tony spelled, "STEVE IS STUBBORN ASS."

Steve swished his tail in Tony's face. "You can do what you like," Steve said, "But I'm staying until I find Bucky. I can take the cold."

Tony didn't think he could win the argument. Steve's stubbornness had brought them to the arctic, it didn't seem likely he'd quit until he froze solid. Tony huffed. "LETS GO," he spelled. He pushed the tiles back in their bag and added it to the pack of supplies Bruce was carrying. Steve had supplies, too, but since he'd be carrying Rhodey he couldn't add much more than that.

Sheppard opened the door and looked out. "I was based in antarctica for a while," he said as if reminded by the sight of the seemingly endless white landscape.

"Yeah? How was it?" Rhodey followed Steve out of the plane.

"I liked it. Got colder than here," he said encouragingly. "Average winter temp is minus 76 degrees Fahrenheit. Here the lowest is a balmy minus 40 F." 

"Sorry I didn't pack my sunscreen," Rhodey said, shaking his head as he climbed into the saddle.

Tony hopped out and set his internal GPS with the airplane as 'home' and the geographical North Pole as the destination. Compasses got confused this close to magnetic north, but Tony trusted himself. Bruce wandered out after Tony and sniffed the air. "Oh, yeah, this is even worse than I thought."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Bears love coffee.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqg_PI-QbvE)
> 
>  
> 
> [ Steve as a horse](http://www.bokt.nl/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1719645)


	17. Chapter 17

They walked and they walked and they walked. After a long time, Sheppard held up his fist. "Stop. Time to sleep."

"It's still light..." Rhodey said and then shook his head. "Right, right. It's not going to change, is it?"

"Not much. We're lucky it's March." Sheppard got the pack off Steve, and held out his arm to help Rhodey down. "Spring equinox is around the twenty first, so it'll be dawn for another week."

Tony knew that, of course he did. He just hadn't been thinking about it. Each day the sun would rise a little higher, reaching maximum height around the Summer Solstice somewhere around June twenty-first. 

Not that Tony expected they'd still be here. They wouldn't, would they? Steve would find Bucky and they'd... Tony wasn't sure what they'd do. Steve would see that Bucky was doing all right with Santa, and they'd go back to the plane and fly... somewhere... but where could they all stay together? Clint and Natasha were flexible in their environmental needs, but Steve needed grassland, and Bruce needed forest and while Tony could stay with Bruce for bare survival, really, he wasn't fit to live in the wild. Staying with Rhodey as a house rabbit would probably be best for him, but what about Bruce? Bruce would be lonely.

One way or another, this would be their last journey as a team. Even when they aggravated and annoyed him, he couldn't get really angry because they were the only friends he'd ever had. Tony would miss them. 

Rhodey stretched his legs while Sheppard set up a medium size tent, flooring it with a thin insulated blanket before waving at Bruce. "Come on, bear. I've slept with hairier people."

Bruce whuffed and entered the tent, with Clint and Natasha on his neck. Rhodey spread another insulated blanket on the snow for Steve, and then he set up a small cooker to heat some food.

Steve lay down on the blanket, not flat as he usually did, but on his belly, with his legs tucked under so he could get up quickly. "I'll take first watch," he said, nodding towards Rhodey and Sheppard. "Tell them."

"You should sleep," Tony told him.

"Not yet." Steve looked at Tony. "I'm responsible for us being here. I know you believe I only care about Bucky, but that's not true." 

"Yeah, I know Natasha has you wrapped around her little webs."

Steve snorted. "Sometimes you're not that smart, Tony. Go to sleep."

"You're not the boss of me," Tony said, half-heartedly, before he got out the tiles to let Rhodey and Sheppard know that Steve would be watching the camp.


	18. Chapter 18

Clint flew out each day, circling. For a week he had nothing worth reporting. Their supplies were running low. Steve and Tony were arguing over who should have the last carrot when Clint landed on Steve's back, all puffed up with his feathers shining bright purple.

"Reindeer!" He shouted. "I just saw a herd of reindeer!"

"Good for you," Tony said grumpily. Steve had won, and forced Tony to take the carrot. "Add it to your life list."

"No, no, you don't get it," Clint said. "The reindeer..."

Shadows passed overhead. Everyone looked up.

"The reindeer were flying," Clint said, pointing with his wing.

"Follow those reindeer!" Steve said and started running. Rhodey yelled and grabbed at Steve's mane to keep from falling off.

Bruce paused to throw Tony and Sheppard on his back and followed Steve at a clumsy gallop. 

"I could have run!" Sheppard yelled.

Tony grinned a rabbit grin and held on tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny chapter because I'm sleepy & also just got a good book I want to read. They are SO CLOSE, I can almost taste the candy canes.


	19. Chapter 19

Tony had thought that Santa's reindeer had to be incredibly fast- how else could he visit all the children in the world in one night? Even if he limited it to just those children in cultures that believed in him, and were good according to whatever standards Santa set, that was logically impossible. But then, if he thought about it too hard, Tony and his friends becoming real animals was also impossible, so he had decided maybe some things, some few things, were not meant for a rabbit to know.

But anyway, the reindeer didn't fly too fast for them to keep in sight. Tony hoped that meant that Santa knew they were coming and was guiding them to him.

They ran on in the seemingly unchanging polar dawn until Steve suddenly disappeared, nose to golden tail, gone in an instant. Bruce grunted, "Invisibility dome? Huh, interesting." And kept running.

There was a slight feeling of pressure, vaguely like when Tony was brand new and packed in protective plastic to keep his fur clean, and then a *pop* that he felt in his ears, and...

The ice and snow were all sparkly, and full of rainbow colors. There were evergreen trees, decorated, and festooned with mistletoe, grouped randomly around a series of buildings, wooden and old-fashioned looking to Tony's eyes. The reindeer landed ahead of them, snorting and prancing and circling around a sort of courtyard tiled, and bricked, and cobblestoned in bright colors. Short people in bright clothes took the reindeer by the halters they were wearing and led them off, all talking and laughing, and some of them even singing. It was all very confusing, and a lot to take in after a week of silence and unending white.

Tony tumbled off of Bruce a moment before Sheppard did. Elves, Tony supposed that was what they had to be, scrambled over to Steve with a mounting block and helped Rhodey dismount. The men went over to talk to a big scruffily bearded guy who was wearing a red cape and lots of metal ornaments. If that was Santa, a lot of Christmas gift wrap had misled Tony.

One reindeer remained behind. He was snowy white, with a bright pink nose. His left front leg was metal, beautifully articulated, shining silver metal. He stared at Steve. "Steve? Is that you?"

"Bucky!" Steve reared up, flinging Clint and Natasha in her web nest loose, and ran forward to touch noses with the reindeer. "I said I'd be with you to the end of the line. I'm so sorry."

The reindeer snorted. "Hey, stupid kid dropped me off the train. It wasn't your fault."

"But your leg..."

"Eh, it works. That's all that matters." Bucky tilted his head. "You're still skinny. Come into the stables. We eat like kings here."

"You're always tryin' to fatten me up, Buck," Steve said. He followed Bucky without a single glance back.

Tony's ears drooped. He kicked at a pretty patch of sparkly snow. "So. That's good. Right?" He turned to the others. Clint had picked up Natasha's nest, and was perched with her on Bruce's back. 

"What do we do now?" Bruce asked.

"Um." Tony scratched his ear. "I don't know, Bruce. I just..."

"BRUCE!" one of the elves shouted. "Oh, BRUCE!" She ran straight at the bear, flung her arms around him and kissed him on the nose. "Don't you recognize me?" 

Bruce blinked. "Betty? BETTY!" He gathered her up in his paws and stood up, swinging her around in circles while she laughed. Clint grunted in annoyance, picked up Natasha's web nest in his claws and flew over to the nearest pine tree. Bruce sat down and cuddled Betty. "I didn't know," he said brokenly. "I didn't know you'd come alive. I would have searched the world for you."

"You found me, Bruce." Betty smiled at him and wiped away the tears rolling down his furry face.

Tony looked away. He was happy for Bruce, but not wanting to intrude on such a private moment. The maybe Santa was smiling broadly, and offering Sheppard and Rhodey a plate of cookies. Tony could smell the gingerbread. It made his stomach complain. "Sure, feed the people, and leave the poor bunny to starve," he muttered. 

"There is plenty for all, rabbit," maybe Santa boomed. He could definitely ho-ho-ho like no-one's business. He waved his hand, and was holding a platter full of mixed greens that smelled delicious. 

"You understand me?" Tony asked.

"I have eaten the All-Speak cookies all my life, of course I do." 

Tony hopped over to the platter. He loved food, he never got enough of it and this was the best he'd ever imagined, alfalfa for filling, asparagus for luxury, radish tops and bell pepper for bite, and all sorts of leaves he'd never tasted before. "Thanks," he said after a few bites. 

"Hey! I heard that!" Rhodey exclaimed. "Tony! I heard you!"

"RHODEY!" Tony shouted and ran to his friend. Rhodey picked Tony up and grinned at him.

"Someone called me? I'm busy, you know." A man with sturdy shoulders, but not a lot of head hair, ran out of the nearest building. "Is it an emergency? That stupid reindeer broke his leg again?"

"RODNEY!" Sheppard shouted and ran to the newcomer, flinging his arms around him. "I thought you died in Siberia!"

"John?" the new guy looked totally confused for a moment, and then he hugged Sheppard hard. "No, no, I'm fine. One of my idiot minions blew up the lab, but Santa was headhunting and he picked me up before I could freeze to death. I would have called you, but you know, confidentiality agreements."

Clint flew over to land on Santa's shoulders. Natasha opened her nest and peered at Santa, blinking all eight green eyes in mock innocence. "So, you're an equal opportunity employer?"

Santa laughed. "There is always more than enough work to keep the spirit of Christmas year 'round. Come, friends, to the hall, we shall feast and tell of our adventures! This is your new home."

"I don't know," Rhodey said. "I have a job."

Santa peered into Rhodey's eyes. "There are children who would welcome a Santa who looked like you. There are many Santas here. We do not limit ourselves to toys and gauds. Where ever there is a child in need, we go. There are not enough of us, even so."

Rhodey thought a moment. "Would I get to fly?"

Santa laughed and patted Rhodey on the back, hard enough to make him stagger. "Of course! The reindeer are traditional, but we have many vehicles."

Rhodey's eyes shone. "I guess I'm home. I guess we're all home," he said, looking around at all his friends.

Tony snuggled in Rhodey's arms and sighed, happily. "That was always the point of the mission, so we could go home." In the morning, he would see what work there was for him, but for now, he was just going to let himself be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Real reindeer with prosthetic leg.](https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.258666459363.116433.63564314363&type=3)
> 
>  
> 
> Also note: Tony paid for the rental plane, and Santa added it to the fleet.  
>    
> Wow, it's done. Now I can think about what other fic from my 'requested add more' folder to work on. There are... 45 of them?? Yeah, I'll look at the shortest ones. :^)


End file.
